Please put more jokes here

[Lucy]

What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?













Ruff.

[Board Game Geek]

Sung to the tune of the Addams Family :

"Your sister is your mother,
your father is your brother,
you all shag one another,
you're Shannon's Family !"

[BrilloPad]

Subject: Overheard in Dublin..........

Nobody knows
On HILL 16 for the Dublin v Offaly Leinster semi final. There was a minutes
silence for a recently deceased GAA member....about 40 seconds into the
minute silence some wise crack said 'I DONT KNOW WHAT A TRACKER MORTGAGE
IS'

Ireland of the Welcomes!
In Roddy Boland's in Rathmines one night I overheard a group of Italian guys
(tourists) trying to chat up two Irish girls and not getting very far. One
of the Italian's started waxing lyrical about one of the girls and her
'beautiful pale skin' and said: 'In my country, you would be a Princess' To
which the Irish girl replied 'And in my country, you'd work in a chipper,
now f**k off'.

Is there a doctor in the house?
In the Omniplex a while back, a particularly boring bit of the movie was on,
when a cry came from the dark. Shadow at the front (shouting): 'Anyone! Is
there a doctor here? Is there a doctor here?' (Shock. Confusion.) Voice
from the back: 'Here - I'm a doctor' Voice from the front: 'Sh*te film,
isn't it?' ...and sat back down Voice from the back: 'Little bastard - if I
find ya I'll rattle ya'

Hill 16 banter
Hill 16, Croke Park , Dublin playing Westmeath and Jason Sherlock becomes
embroiled in a fight with the Westmeath corner back right in front of the
Hill. One wag shouts out.... 'Go on Jason, hit him with your wok!'
Dublin barmen.............aren't they great!
My brother was in Mulligans pub on Poolbeg Street having a pint at the bar
when a yank came up and said to the barman 'Excuse me sir, where is your
bathroom?' So the barman gave him directions and off went the yank. A few
minutes later the yank returns and says to the barman 'Excuse me sir,
there's no lock on the door'. The barman replied without looking up from
the pint of Guinness he was pulling 'As long as I've been here, no-one ever
tried to rob a tulipe.'

Crowd disturbance at a Leinster game
At a recent Leinster Magners League game in Donnybrook there was an
Australian lady who was more interested in fussing over her friend's baby
than watching the game. So much so that she seemed to be upsetting the
Leinster fan next to her. She left to get chips and when she came back she
didn't see the baby immediately in the crowd and said in her strongest
Australian 'Where's the baby?' to which the Leinster fan replied angrily
'the focking Dingo took it, now sit down and watch the game!'

Post it note
I was in the queue in a post office and there was an aul wan ahead of me,
she says to the post mistress 'Give us the stamps so I can post this
parcel' The post mistress weighted the parcel and gave the aul wan the
parcel and the stamps. The aul wan looked at the post mistress and said
'Will I stick em on meself?' The post mistress says, without any hesitation
'No love, stick them on the parcel' I nearly folded.

Time to call the AA
Last Halloween during my lunch break I went down O'Connell street to buy
broom for my daughters witch costume... on the way back to work some smart
ass shouted at me 'What's wrong love...have ye broken down?'

Toilet talk
Sitting in the bog in a city centre pub. The bloke in the next cubicle says
'howya, hows it goin?'to which I reply 'ahh not too bad!' then he says
'sorry?!' and I say again 'not to bad!' then he says 'listen I'll ring you
back there's some lunatic in the jacks next to me!!'I then cringed and
waited till he left!!!

Fantastic comeback A bus stops with it's front wheels slightly inside a
yellow box at a junction. A guy with a flash girlfriend and a flash
convertible car pulls up beside the bus. The flash guys shouts out his
window at the bus driver: 'YELLOW BOX, YELLOW BOX!'. The bus driver opens
his window and says back to him: 'You'd better get her to the clinic then'

Alternative Guide Dog
At a kids football match, one of the parents is giving out about the fact
that the manager of the team has his Jack Russell dog at the sidelines with
him. She gets out of her seat to give him an earful, saying... 'Ya
shouldn't be allowed with that dog on the pitch, not when there's kids
playing'. Without turning, he declares... 'I have to have him. He's my
guide dog'. 'Yeah right', she says 'Jack Russells arent guide dogs'. He
turns to face her, with his eyes shut, and arms outstretched and shouts,
stunned.... 'The bastards! They gave me a Jack Russell?!!'

[BrilloPad]

A real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works
is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so
I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting
in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

[AndyGarbs]

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

[BrilloPad]

A man had lost one of his arms. One day he had enough.He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that man could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'<BR><BR>He said, 'I'm NOT happy .... My arse is itchy.'

[BrilloPad]

The Sound............. A man is driving down the road and breaks down near amonastery. He knocks on the door, and says, “My carbroke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, andeven fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, hehears a strange sound; a sound like no other that hehas ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monkswhat the sound was, but they say, “We can't tell you.You're not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway andgoes about his merry way. Some years later, the sameman breaks down in front of the same monastery. Themonks again accept him, feed him, and even fix hiscar. That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizingsound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but themonks reply, “We can't tell you. You're not a monk”. The man says, “All right, all right. I'm dying toknow. If the only way I can find out what that soundwas, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply,” You must travel the earth and tellus how many blades of grass there are and the exactnumber of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers,you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Some forty-five yearslater, he returns and knocks on the door of themonastery. He says, “I have travelled the earth anddevoted my life to the task demanded and have foundwhat you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sandpebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, 'Congratulations, you are correct andnow you are a monk'. We shall now show you the way tothe sound. The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where thehead monk says, “The sound is behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.He asks, 'May I have the key'? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only tofind a door made of ruby. He demands another key fromthe monks, who provide it. Behind that door is anotherdoor, this one made of sapphire. And so it went untilthe man had gone through doors of emerald, silver,topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, 'This isthe key to the last door'. The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door,turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonishedto find the source of that strange sound. It is trulyan amazing and unbelievable sight. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > But I can't tell you what it is because you're not amonk.

[BrilloPad]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their localgolf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mindif I join you? My partner didn't turn up.' 'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing andenjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around thecourse, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for aliving?' 'I'm a hit man,' was the reply. 'You're joking!' was the response. 'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling outa beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Hereare my tools.' 'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take alook? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked upthe rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. 'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, Ican see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in therewith her...... He's naked, too!!! He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?' 'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull thetrigger.' 'Can you do two for me now?' 'Sure, what do you want?' 'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.' 'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick offto teach him a lesson.' The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a fewminutes. 'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently. 'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you agrand here.....'

[BrilloPad]

When you have a 'I Hate My Job day, [even if retired you have those sometimes] try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy andgo to the thermometer section and purchase a rectalthermometer made by Johnson & Johnson Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home,lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect thephone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in yourfavorite chair. Open the package and remove thethermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or asurface so that it wil l not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins Take out the literature from the box and read itcarefully. You will notice that in small print thereis a statement: 'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson ispersonally tested and then sanitized. ' Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'Iam so glad I do not work in the thermometer qualitycontrol department at Johnson & Johnson.' HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONEELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTTTHAN YOURS!

[BrilloPad]

An absolute genius letter


This is an actual letter sent to Proctor & Gamble
>
>
> TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER
>
> BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE
>
> Dear Mr. Thatcher
>
> I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or
Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horse riding or salsa dancing,
and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white
shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos
on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi
pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month
knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
>
> Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the
curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right
now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my
body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed
into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."
Isn't the human body amazing?
>
> As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite
a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits
from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and
cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying and out-of-control
behaviour. You surely realise it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only
last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's
testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's
Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
>
> Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to the reason
for my letter.
>
> Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there,
printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
>
> Are you *+*#*ing kidding me?
>
> What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think
happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual
period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?
> Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl,
there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack
yourself up on Nurofen and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you
don't march down to the local Tesco's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy
plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head
out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it
make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the
Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"?- Or are you just picking on us?
>
> Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately,
there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings,
I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bulltulip. And that's
a promise I will keep. Always.
>
> Best,
>