Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A 90-year-old man went to the doctor's
and asked for a
sperm count.

"It can't be very high," the doctor
said. "There's really
no need for it."

But the old man still wanted it all the
same. "All right
then," the doctor said. She went to her
cabinet, got out
a small container, and gave it to the
man. "Take this jar
home, do a little jobby in the jar, and
bring it back here."

A week later, the doctor was coming out
of her office when
she found the old man and his wife
sitting in the waiting
room. They handed her the jar. "But
the jar is empty," she
said after looking at it. "I told you
that you had to do a
little jobby in the jar in order for me
to get the sperm
count."

"Doc," the man began. "I tried it with
my right hand, I
tried it with my left hand. My wife
tried it with her right
hand, and tried it with her left hand.
She even tried it with
her teeth out . . .

" . . . But that damn lid just wouldn't
come off!"

[BrilloPad]

A cargo plane is in mid-flight way out
over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit
door bursts open to reveal an armed,
masked hijacker to a startled pilot,
copilot, navigator, and stewardess. He
holds his gun at the
pilot's head and says, "Take this plane
to Cuba or I'm gonna spill your brains
all over the place!"

The pilot calmly reaches up, pushes the
gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you
shoot me this plane will crash right
into the sea and you'll die along with
the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks about this and then
holds the gun at the copilot's head and
says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm
gonna spill HIS brains all over the
place."

But the copilot also calmly reaches up,
pushes the gun aside and says, "Listen
to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and
he could keel over at the shock of my
being killed like that. So if you shoot
me, this plane will still
crash right into the sea and you'll die
along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks about this for a
moment and then holds the gun at the
navigator's head and says, "Take this
plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill HIS
brains all over the place."

But the navigator calmly reaches up,
pushes the gun aside and says, "I
wouldn't do that if I were you. Those
other two guys have no sense of
direction. Without me they couldn't find
their way out of a paper bag much
less get this plane to Cuba. So if you
shoot me, this plane will still crash
right into the sea and you'll die along
with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks some more, shrugs
and this time holds the gun at the
stewardess's head and says, "Take this
plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill HER
brains all over the place."

No one says a word but the stewardess
leans over and whispers something into
the hijacker's ear. The hijacker turns
beet red, drops his gun, and runs out of
the cockpit in a panic.

Later after the crew has tracked down
the hijacker (whom they found cowering
behind some crates in the hold) and tied
him up, the pilot asks the stewardess
what she said that terrified the man so.
"I told him, sir,
that if he killed me, HE'd be the one
who'd have to give you guys your
blowjobs."

[BrilloPad]

Two men camping in the mountains had
spent four days together, and
they were getting a little testy. One
morning, the first friend
says,"You know, we're starting to get
on each other's nerves. Why
don't we split up today. I'll hike
north and spend the day looking
around, you hike south and spend the
day. Then tonight, we'll have
dinner and share our experiences over
the campfire." The second friend
agrees and hikes south. The first man
hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man
tells his story. "Today I hiked
into a beautiful valley. I followed a
stream up into a canyon and ate
lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear
mountain lake. As I sat out and
dried, I watched deer come and drink
from the stream. The wildflowers
were filled with butterflies and hawks
floated all day overhead. How
was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south
and ran across a set of railroad
tracks. I followed them until I came
across a beautiful young woman
tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off
and we had sex in every
imaginable way all afternoon. Finally,
when I was so tired I could
barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow," the first guy says, "did you get
a blow job?" "No," says the
second friend. "I couldn't find her
head."

[BrilloPad]

1.Q: What do women and condoms have in
common?
A: They both spend more time in
your wallet than on your dick.

2.Emoticon (smiley) of the week: (*)
- User is mooning (bending over showing
bottom)
This Symbol is most often seen on
management reports.

3.Q: Why is diarrhoea hereditory?
A: Because it runs in your jeans.

4.Q: What happens when you play a
country and western record backwards?
A: You get your man back, your dog
back and hour home back.

5.Q: WHat has 90 balls and makes a
lot of women sweat?
A: Bingo

6.There's a new rule for playing
chess.
The Bishop can jump anything he
likes.

7.Q: What's brown, smelly and sits on
a piano stool?
A: Beethoven's First Movement

8.Patient: 'Doctor, I've grown a boob
on my head. What can I do?'
Doctor: 'Well, you could paint it
black and join the police force.'

9.Three old women were sitting in the
park. A man walk past and flashed at
them.
Two of the women had a stroke, the
other couldn't reach.

10.Give a man a fish, and you feed him
for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you get
rid of him every weekend.

[BrilloPad]

11.Patient: 'Doctor, Every time I
sneeze I have a multiple orgasm'
Doctor: 'Have you taken anything
for it.'
Patient: 'Yes, some black pepper'

12.Q: Whats the difference between a
new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still
pleased to see you.

13.Q: What do you get if you cross a
Rottweiler with a Labrador?
A: A dog that bites you head off
then nicks your toilet roll

14.Q: Why do elephants have four feet?

A: Because six inches would look
silly.

15.I caught our dog trying to mate
with a cabbage the other day
He thought it was a collie.

16.London's first sperm bank was a
total disaster. There were only two
potential doners, one missed the tube,
and the other came on the bus.

17.Woman to Friend: "I got a lovely
tie for my husband."
Friend: "Wow, I wish I could make a
swap like that"

18.Q: What do a bank and a man have in
common?
A: They both loose interest after
withdrawal.

19.Q: What do you call a man with a
one inch willy?
A: Justin

20.Q: Whats big and hairy and sticks
out of your husbands pyjamas?
A: Your husbands head.

[BrilloPad]

21.Q: How many male chauvanists does
it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, she can cook in the dark.

22.Woman to husband: "The doctor says
I must have sex at least five times a
week"
Husband: "Well, you'd best put me
down for two of em."

23.Woman to Friend: "Is your husband
circumcised?"
Friend: "No, he's a complete dick
head."

24.Q: How do you know when a man has
had an orgasm?
A: You can hear him snoring.

25.Bill: "I never made love to my wife
before we got married, did you?"
George: "I don't know, what was her
maiden name."

26.A couple split up when she found
out that he was into sadism, bestiality
and necrophillia.
She told him he was flogging a dead
horse.

27.Q: What goes slurp gobble, slurp
gobble, slurp gobble, slurp gobble,
slurp gobble ?
A: A turkey with an ice lolly.

28.A young couple rode down a street
on a tandem.
A dog rushed out and threw a bucket
of water over them.

29.The hunchback of Notre Dame went
into a bar one day and ordered a double
whiskey.
"Bells OK?" the barman asked.
To which the hunchback replied:
"Mind your own bloody business."

30.Woman to Friend: "Was that your
husband how let me in?"
Friend: "You don't think I'd hire a
butler that ugly do you?"

[BrilloPad]

31.Husband: "Let's try a new position
tonight darling" Wife: "Great - you
stand and do the ironing, and I'll lie
on the couch farting and belching."

32.Old mother Hubbard went to the
cupboard to get her poor dog a bone, but

when she bent over, Rover took over
and gave her a bone of his own.

33.How do Welshmen find sheep in high
grass?
Very, very satisfying.

34.Why do Scotsmen keep sheep near
cliffs?
So they push back harder.

35.Laugh and the world laughs with
you,
Cry and you have to blow your nose

36.Heaven is where the police are
Brittish, the chefs French, the
mechanics
German, the lovers Italian, and it
is all organized by the Swiss.

37.Hell is where the police are
German, the cooks Brittish, the
mechanics
French, the lovers Swiss, and it is
all being organized by the Italian.

38.Q. What do you call a restroom for
the physically disabled?
A. A handicrapper.

39.Q: How many tech support staff does
it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "Well, we have an exact copy of
your lightbulb right here, and it's
working just fine"

40.Seen on front of shirt: "I've been
known to snatch kisses...."
and on the back of shirt: "...and
vice versa."

[BrilloPad]

41.How many end users does it take to
change a light bulb?
2, 1 to completly dismantle the
fixture and rip the wires out of the
wall and the other to call tech support.

42.The seven dwarves were in the bath
and feeling happy.
Happy got out so they started
felling Doc instead.

43.Q: What's the difference between a
woman and a computer?
A: When a woman goes down on you,
it's foreplay. When your computer goes
down on you, you're ****ED!

44.Q: What's the similarity between an
erect penis and a computer?
A: They'll both stay up as long as
you don't **** with them!

45.Q: What is 6.9? A: A good thing
interrupted by a PERIOD.

46.Q: Why do women have legs?
A: So they can get from the bedroom
to the kitchen.

47.Q: What's the difference between a
woman's track team and a clever bunch of
pygmies?
A: Ones a cunning bunch of runts.

48.Q: What 14 animals can you fit in a
pair of pantyhose?
A: 10 Piggies, 2 Calves, 1 Ass, and
a Beaver (and a fish that nobody can
find).

49.Beware big tits. Oh, they're great
fun now, but after twenty years and
three kids, you'll be able to make
balloon animals with them. "Forget sex,
Deary..... Want me to make you a
poodle?"

50.Q. How can you tell if a doctor is
gay?
A. When he does a rectal exam, both
his hands are on your shoulders.

[BrilloPad]

51.Q: What's the difference between a
gay man and a refrigerator?
A. The refrigerator doesnt' fart
when you take the meat out!

52.Q: What's the difference between a
bad hunter and a constipated owl???
A: One shoots but can't hit!

53.Q: Why do brides smile as they walk
down the aisle?
A: They know they've finally given
their last blowjob !

54.Two nurses in the maternity
section: The first says,"Gee, what an
ugly boy!"
The second says,"Yeah, and you
should have seen the ones we have just
thrown into the incinerator."

55.What do women and Kentucky Fried
Chicken have in common?
Once you get past the legs breast
and thighs, all you're left with is a
smelly box.

56.Q: What's the diff between OJ and
Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: Kentucky Fried batters their
chicks after they kill em.

57.Q: Know what to call the stuff that
collects in the crotch of a woman's
panties?
A: Clitty litter.

58.There are only three kinds of
people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who
can't!

59.Q: How do you tell a women's liber?

A: That's a falacy. You can't tell
those broads anything.

60.Q: How can you tell a feminist?
A: {slaming hand on desk} that's
not funny!

[BrilloPad]

61.Q. Why is sex with someone new like
a snow snorm?
A. Because you never know how deep
it will be or how long it will last.

62.What can a lifesaver do that a man
can't?
Come in five flavors.

63.Q. Why are men like trains?
A. They always stop before you get
off.

64.Q: How do you get a fat girl into a
lift?
A: Grease her hips, and throw in a
bar of chocolate.

65."What's the difference between a
shower curtain and toilet paper?"
"I don't know."
"Oh, so it was you!"

66.Q: WHY DO FARTS SMELL BAD?
A: So deaf people can enjoy them
too.

67.Q: How do you make 2 pounds of fat
attractive?
A: Add a nipple.

68.Q: What's blue and doesn't fit?
A: A dead epileptic!

69.Q: Why did the veitnam Veteran
Cross the road?
A: You wouldn't know man you
weren't there, you wouldn't know!

70.Q: How many feminists does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: "Suck my dick!"