Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or
playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself
too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come
here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
"Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The
cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch
tonight, Dave."

[BrilloPad]

True story found in the "West Australian":

An inmate of a lunatic asylum started an affair with one of the
cleaning staff. Once he had gained her confidence they got very
amorous and after one particularly satisfying bout of lovemaking
he stole her keys and used them to escape. The headline in the
newspaper the next day read, "Nut Screws Washer and Bolts."

[BrilloPad]

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and
staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after
several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a
prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician
explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition
could be cured through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised
doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "you're planning to lengthen
Ralph's legs, aren't you!

[BrilloPad]

A fresh faced lad on the eve of his wedding goes to his mother
with the following question. "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the
town that your bride is pure." The son thanks his mum and goes
off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding
dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."

[xoggoth]

Apart from the odd repeat still excellent. Keep it up Mr B.

[BrilloPad]

Originally Posted by xoggoth

Apart from the odd repeat still excellent. Keep it up Mr B.

thank you kind Sir. I have seen several more repeats I have not posted.

But I am nearly out of jokes from my files - I might have to resort to internet searches soon...

[BrilloPad]

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was
increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.

When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought
medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he
finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it
will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes
your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is
to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go
under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but
he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked
past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new
suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a
half neck"
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the
collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said,
"Sure..."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size
36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press
your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache."

[BrilloPad]

There are beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the
following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle
of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having
loads of sex.
the two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with
the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the
Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the
American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true
nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the
necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her
last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her
relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low
and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman,
who is checking out all the other men, after calling them 'bloody *******".
One New Zealand man is having sex with the New Zealand woman, the other Kiwi
is searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting
up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they
are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

[BrilloPad]

I Am The Very Model of a Microsoft Executive (By Brad Rhodes, with
inspiration from Lincoln Spector's "The Pirates of Pentium" and apologies to
Sir William Gilbert...)

Bill Gates:
I am the very model of a Microsoft Executive
Work sixteen hours ev'ry shift on days that are consecutive
I make a line of software that is of the highest quality
But leave in bugs to fix in upgrades in perpetuality

Though some might claim that we compete in ways that are not very just
That's just vindictive rumor spun by folks who can't compete with us
Besides they cannot prove a thing, no judge will ever take their side
We'll crush them with our lawyers known for litigation far and wide.

Men's Chourus:
He'll crush them with his lawyers known for litigation far and far
and wide!

Gates:
My coders work a schedule bordering on impropriety
But they'll still work for peanuts til they're vested in entirety
I'm sure that you will all agree that this is all inde-cu-tive
That I'm the very model of a Microsoft Executive!

Chorus:
I'm sure that you will all agree that this is all inde-cu-tive
He is the very model of a Microsoft Executive!

Gates:
We made our windows system one which we hold in propriety
And tweak it every now and then to screw up Lotus 1-2-3
Developing for Windows makes our competition often frown
They haven't any choice -- our system is the only game in town.

We'll use people's inventions that will make our software sell the best
Idea is the first step but the market is the real test
And though we may use other's thoughts and intellectual property
Stealing's such a nasty word, we like to call it R&D.

Chorus:
Stealing's such a nasty word, he likes to call it R&-R&D.

Gates [faster]:
My business tactics are compared with Henry Ford and Genghis Kahn
They built me up from nerdy kid to billionaire and then beyond
And while my competition spews out words full of invec-u-tive
I am the very model of a Microsoft Executive!

Chorus:
And while his competition spews out words full of invec-u-tive
He is the very model of a Microsoft Executive!

[BrilloPad]

>A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided
> to end her life by throwing herself in the ocean. When she went
> down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears
> and took pity on her.
>
>
> "Look, you've got a lot to live for." he said. "I'm off to America
> in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
>I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
>
>
>
> Moving closer, he slipped an arm around her shoulder, winked at her
> and added "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
>
>
> The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? That night,
> the sailor brought her abroad and hid her in a lifeboat. From then
>on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
>and they
>shagged furiously.
>
>Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by
> the Captain.
>
>"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
>
> "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained,
> "He's taking me to America, and he's screwing me."
>
> "He certainly is," the Captain replied, "This is the Dover-Calais
> ferry."