Please put more jokes here

[The Lone Gunman]

For Zeity:
There were these two English chaps having lunch in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch.

They aproached the waitress and said that they were having trouble pronouncing where they were and asked her to say it realy slowly for them
















She answered B - U - R - G - E - R - K - I - N - G

[TazMaN]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in
the first class section of an airplane. The woman
sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose,
then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue,
wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was
still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet
again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her
body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to
the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that
! you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then
shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare
medical condition. When ever I sneeze I have an
orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still
curious..
I have never heard of that condition before"
he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[Colemanisor]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"


He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a tulip?"

[Colemanisor]

This is a true story (yeah, of course it is, they all are!!!), proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old
is.

They think so logically.


A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to
gather the building materials for his home.

She read ...

".....and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to
build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class:

"And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly..."I
think the man would have said "Well, f*** me!! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[Colemanisor]

Tom Cruise gets up one day. Looking in the mirror, he's admiring his body. "Mmm, looking good today Tom," he says. He then gives his pecs a little squeeze- "Mmmm, feeling good Tom." He suddenly notices a funny smell, takes a whiff of himself and almost chokes- "****, I smeel awful!"

So he goes to talk to Katie. "Katie," he says, "there's something wrong with me!"
"Well you look good," says Katie, walking toward him, "and you feel good," she says giving him a little squeeze, then suddenly "**** Tom, you smell ******* awful! Get to the doctor!"

So Tom goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, there's something seriously wrong!"
"Well, take a seat and I'll examine you," says the doctor. "Hmmm. Well, you look good Tom...... and you feel pretty good..... oh dear God you smell awful!" So the doctor goes over to his medical books to make a diagnosis.

"Do you know what's wrong with me Doctor?"
"Lets see Tom. So you look good, you feel good but you smell awful........ ah yes, here we are."

"You're a c**t."

[richard-af]

Originally Posted by Colemanisor

Tom Cruise gets up one day...

Isn't there a generally accepted "rule" that jokes are supposed to be funny?

[TheFaQQer]

Originally Posted by richard-af

Isn't there a generally accepted "rule" that jokes are supposed to be funny?

How naive.

And to prove it -

I think my office is haunted - I just saw the ghost of a chicken.


I believe it was a poultrygeist.

[richard-af]

Originally Posted by TheFaqqer

How naive.

And to prove it -

I think my office is haunted - I just saw the ghost of a chicken.


I believe it was a poultrygeist.

I feel ill!

[zeitghost]

Originally Posted by Burdock

Zeity, I don't get your Cwmtwrch jokes!!

Or is that the point?!

There used to be two railway stations, Upper & Lower CwmTwrch... most obscure places known to man...

I guess that's why it's funny that the chinese ticket seller... etc...

[Swiss Tony]

NASA Space Shuttle astronauts have recently been found having consumed alcohol during and before missions.

Here are some interesting facts about the Shuttle:

Solid rocket boosters:
o 454,000 kg (1 million pounds) of propellant.
o Each provides 1,194,020 kg (1315 tons) of thrust (sea level).
o Burn time - 2 minutes and 2 seconds.

Main engines:
o Utilize 547,524 kg (603 tons) of liquid oxygen and 91,708 kg (101 tons) of liquid hydrogen in external tank.
o Each provides 154,360 kg (170 tons) of thrust (sea level).
o Burn time - 8 minutes.

Hottest Skin Temperature on re-entry: 1650 degrees C.

Two of the six craft (33%) in the fleet have been lost to accidents.

Would YOU willingly get on one of those things sober???