Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A Vicar, Architect and Engineer were playing golf together.

They had been following this group of incredibly bad players for the
morning
and were getting frustrated in the extreme. The bad golfers had not
even
had the courtesy to stand aside and let the three play through.

At the point where even the Vicar was cursing their very existence, the
Green-keeper came into view.

The Vicar went over to him and complained about the awful players,
holding
the game up.

The Green-keeper, looked aghast at the vicar and interrupted him to
explain
that the bad players, were in fact the heroic Firemen that had been
given
honourary freedom of the course. They were the heroes, who lost their
sight
saving 12 members when the club house had burned down a few years
before.

The Vicar feeling guilty for his earlier thoughts, shamefully reported
back
to the other two players. "I for one, feel I must pray forgiveness for
my
comments and that these heroes one day receive their sight back".

The Architect admitted that he too, felt guilty for the comments he had
made
and would join the Vicar in prayer.

The Engineer said "I don't see why they can't just play at night"

[BrilloPad]

Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man
told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent.."

Oh, Dad," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother."

"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her
with you."

[BrilloPad]

Among today's players, few sledge more enthusiastically than Shane
Warne. During Australia's last tour of South Africa it was rumoured
that Daryll Cullinan had been consulting a psychologist to exorcise
the demons that appeared whenever Warne removed his hat to bowl . No
sooner had Cullinan arrived at the crease than Warne snarled: "I'm
going to send you straight back to your shrink." The right words can
intimidate and demoralise.

In 1989, a young Phil Kearns packed down opposite the All Black rough
nut Sean Fitzpatrick. Amid the grinding of shoulders, Kearns became
aware he was being spoken to: "What are you doing here, Kearns? You
don't belong here. You're just a little boy. Why don't you go home to
mummy?"

Sledging is often personal. One reason Warne is quick to taunt
Cullinan is that the South African is fond of making remarks about
Warne's girth "Leave us some lunch, fat boy" being one of his
favourites.

Similarly, Ian Healy once became frustrated with an overweight batsman
from a South African provincial side who seemed not the least
interested in scoring runs. Eventually Healy called to the bowler:
"Why don't we put a Mars bar on a good length to see if we can lure
him out of his crease?"

Targets of sledging sometimes manage a killer reply. On one occasion,
an English county bowler was having surprising success against the
great West Indian Viv Richards, who'd played and missed at several
balls. Foolishly, the bowler piped up: "Hey Viv, it's red and it's
round this is what it looks like" A steaming Richards cracked the next
ball into the carpark and told the bowler:
"You know what it looks like, man - go find the *****."

More recently, Merv Hughes was being Merv, aiming constant abuse at
English batsman Robin Smith. But having been told that he "couldn't
bat to save his frolicking life," Smith smashed a four, walked down the
pitch and said:
"Make a good pair, don't we? I can't frolicking bat and you can't frolicking
bowl."

Sledging sometimes amounts to threats. In the 1960's, the St George
forward Kevin Ryan was considered rugby league's hardest man. He was
running amok one day against Balmain, who called an emergency meeting
which resolved that prop George Piper would stop Ryan by any means
possible. Piper subsequently hit his target with the best punch he'd
ever thrown, claiming later it would have ripped the head off a
bullock. But Ryan merely looked at him and said mildly: "Not a bad
one, George. Yours is coming." Probably to save his skin, Piper
managed to get himself sent off shortly after.

One time, when David Boon was proving hard to dislodge, West Indies
quick Malcolm Marshall asked him: "Are you going to get out soon,
David, or do I have to come around the wicket and kill you?"

In 1994, Allan Border told South African all-rounder Brian McMillan:
"For a big bloke, you don't bowl very fast."
He got no reaction - until lunch, when McMillan burst into the
Australian dressing room and told Border to repeat the slur while the
South African pointed a pistol at Border's head.

If that seems over the top, it was child's play compared to comments
allegedly directed at New Zealand's Chris Cairns by two Australian
players. It was claimed the players had made "choo choo" noises at
Cairns, whose sister had been killed in a recent train accident. The
story was denied by all parties.

But to sledge is to play with fire. In 1975, NSW paceman Dave Colley
had his first look at a swaggering Viv Richards and wasn't taken with
what he saw. When he bowled to Richards he was treated with contempt
until he dug in a bouncer. The ball clipped Richards's head, was
caught by the keeper and the umpire raised his finger. Richards stood
his ground and pointed to his head, prompting Colley to growl: "Listen
you *****. There's nothing in there. Have a look at the scoreboard and
then flip off." At the end of the day, as the NSW players filed next
door for a drink, they noticed the West Indies' dressing room had been
converted into something that looked terribly like a makeshift boxing
ring. Sure enough, Richards appeared wearing gloves, shorts and
nothing else, dancing and snorting. The NSW boys shot into reverse,
locking their own door behind them. It took the matey diplomacy of
Doug Walters to dissuade Richards from depositing Colley on to the
nearest asteroid.

During a WSC final at the SCG where the game had been shortened due to
rain and the atmosphere was running at about 95% humidity a very
exhausted Arjuna Ranatunga appealed that he had "sprained" something.
He duly asked the umpire for a runner. As clear as a bell through the
effects mic you heard Healey's legendary reply "you don't get a runner
for being an overweight, unfit, fat *****".

Lastly, sledging can be plain amusing. It's unlikely Merv Hughes was
thinking tactically when he told a struggling English batsmen: "I'll
bowl you a frolicking piano, ya Pommie pooftah. Let's see if you can play
that."

[BrilloPad]

Guy goes to the Council to apply for a job as an electrician.

the interviewer says: "Recruitment is done on a points system; have you been in the armed services?"

"Yes," he says " I was in the army for three years and served in Iraq . "

The interviewer says "Great that'll give you extra points toward employment" He then asks "were you trained as an electrician?"

The guy says " Yes I have all my papers."

"Brilliant, more points in your favour. Finally he asks: "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy replies: "Unfortunately: 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy "No problem; further points towards employment. OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM."

The recruit is puzzled and says " If the hours are from 8:00 AM. To 4:00 pm, then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? "

"This is a council job " the interviewer replies. " For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....... not really worth you coming in for that."

[BrilloPad]

One day a man is met by a genie who grants him one wish. The man wishes to be close to a woman - so the genie turns him into a tampon.

What's the moral of this story? You may get what you wish for - but there are always strings attached.

[BrilloPad]

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says, "So,
Becky, I've been wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't
really want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right, three times..."

"Three? Hmmm, well, when were they?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 and you really wanted to start your
business on your own and no bank would give you a loan.....?
Then, remember when one day the bank president himself came over to the
house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked...Well..."

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me!? I love you even more than ever, to do
such a thing for me.... So when was number two?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were
needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch
you...Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way from Houston to do the
surgery himself and then you were in good shape again...Well...."

"Oh my god!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I
couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, you must really
love me, darling... I couldn't be more moved..."

"So, all right then, when was number three?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president
of the synagogue....and you were 47 votes short....

[BrilloPad]

David Beckham was speaking at a management conference, and wandered down in
front of the audience.

"The best thing about them," he said, "is that you only have to use one and
your mouth feels fresh for two whole hours".

A voice from the wings was then heard, "David, we wanted you to talk about
tactics"

[BrilloPad]

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a
rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and
said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen!"

[BrilloPad]

beer scooter - the ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not
remember it. i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have
caught the beer scooter".

one in the departure lounge - to need to defecate imminently.

aeroplane blond - one who has dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'!

aeroplane skirt - a skirt with a very long slit up it that goes all the way up
to the 'cockpit'.

Pearl Harbour - cold (weather). This is one I have heard from a fair few people
recently. An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there !".
Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air ! This comes
from the well known surprise attack by Japanese planes on the American port in
Hawaii in 1941 (history lesson over).

badly packed kebab - a vulgar (but still excellent) term for the 'vagina'.

Britney Spears - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'beers'. e.g. "Give us a couple of
Britney's will ya Doreen".

Bruce Lee's - erect nipples (as in a pair of hard 'nips').

Bum Gravy - This one speaks for itself ! You may get this after a dodgy curry.

bunny boiler - an unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling
scene in the film "Fatal Attraction". e.g. "I don't like the look of her mate,
could be a bunny boiler".

council gritter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'tulipter'. e.g. "Does she take it up
the council ?".

Donald Trump - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'dump' (defecate). e.g. "I'm just
nipping out for a Donald".

drink-link - a modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is
common to visit one before going out on the booze !

furry monkey - slang term for vagina. As used by Daisy Donovan on Channel 4's
Eleven O'Clock Show.

greyhound - a very short skirt. From the fact that a greyhound (on a racetrack)
is close to the hare (hair). i.e. "Blimey look at the greyhound on that bird !".

Jackson Pollock(s) - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'bollocks' (testicles). e.g."He
needs a good kick in the Jackson's".

Johnny-no-stars - a young man of substandard intelligence, i.e. the typical
adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' bit comes from the
badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants
often wear which show their level of training.

kriptonite - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'web site'. One of the few terms I've
heard for this.

kungfu fighter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'lighter'.

Leo Sayer - an 'all-dayer' (drinking or a rave etc).

Melvynn Bragg - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'fag' (cigarette). e.g. "Oi mate, can I
scrounge a Melvynn off you?".

mumblers - used when you spot an attractive girl in tight shorts or similar
clothes i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're
saying.

Nelson Mandela - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

Pat Cash - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'slash' (to urinate).

pictures of the queen - paper money, notes. Suggested by Dan Adams. e.g. "How do
you want payin ?", "Pictures of the queen mate !".

ragmans coat - untidy and very hairy vagina. e.g. "Yeah, she looks quite fit but
I bet she's got one like a ragmans coat !"

release a chocolate hostage - to defecate. Have heard this one from a few
people. e.g. " I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage".

ricockulous - a more extreme version of the word 'ridiculous'. Good for when you
want to add more emphasis.

salad dodger - an excellent phrase for an overweight person.

skin chimney - excellent (but disgusting of course) term for vagina.

spam fritter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'tulipter' (anus). Similar to "Garry
Glitter".

Steve McQueen's - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'jeans'.

swamp donkey - an unattractive woman. e.g. "Blimey, have you seen those swamp
donkeys sitting in the corner !".

tart fuel - similar to 'bitch piss', bottled alcopop's regularly drank by young
women.

tea towel holder - the anus. Derived from the fact that those round plastic
holders that you push tea towels into resemble the anus.

tropical fish - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'piss', pron. 'pish' (in a Scottish way
?). An example of an abbreviated way of using it would be to say "I'm off for a
tropie".

Turkish bath - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'laugh'. e.g. "You're 'avin a Turkish
mate !".

up on blocks - having a period (menstruating). i.e. Out of action, a bit like a
car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is
up on blocks".

Wallace and Gromit - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

wigger - a white man who is trying to act like a black man. Especially applied
to a white rapper, i.e. Vanilla Ice.

wind and kite - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'web site'.

wizzards sleeve - a large (cavernous) vagina. I've had this suggested from
anumber of people and think it may be a creation of the 'Viz' comic (popular in
the UK).

Wyatt Earp - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'burp'.

Wynona Ryder - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. Suggested by James Mellor. e.g.
"Can I have a pint'a Wynola and half a Nelson".

[BrilloPad]

A man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son.
The kid is spinning a 10 pence coin in the air and catching it between
his teeth.
As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at
just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and
lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the
face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is
sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a
cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his
coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on
the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the
market.

Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the man
carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but
firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the coin, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing
the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat
in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects,
the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.

The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As the
man is about to leave, the father asks one last question:
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic
- what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"
"Oh, good heavens, no", the man replies, "I work for the Inland Revenue."