Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

It just might work...


A magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit new scientific
theories on ANY subject.

Winner (Subject: Perpetual Motion)

"When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is
dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast
is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then
dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches
above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form
the basis of a high-speed monorail system."

....and then this mail got this reply from one of the recipients.

"I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the
buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side
down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with
Jacob's crackers.

So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also,
should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there
are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.

Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:

p =3D s * t(t)/t(c)

where p is the probability of carpet impact

s is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of
the
effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet.
Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s
value of water is zero.

t(c) and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p
being strongly related to the relationship between the color of the carpet
and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and
obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.

So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you
use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination
gives
a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on
its feet.

Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to
hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the
toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in
nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims
in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their
party
was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue
research.

Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public
sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a
monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a
rail made from white shag pile carpet."

[BrilloPad]

Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said,
"Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you
like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Chief Priest
said to him:
"Brother John, you have been here 5 years now, you may speak two words."

Brother John said, "Hard Bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better
bed."

After another 5 years, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest.

"You may say another two words Brother John."

"Cold Food," said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the
food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called
Brother John into his office.

"Two words you may say today."

"I Quit." said Brother John.

"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "You've done nothing but
bitch since you got here."

[BrilloPad]

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation
from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called the lawyer to persuade him to
contribute: "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to
the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied: "First, Did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."

The lawyer continued: "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology.

The lawyer interrupted her apology, saying: "Or that my sister's husband
died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation,
"Leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no
idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut her off once again: "...So, if I don't give any
money to them, why should I give any money to you?!?"

[BrilloPad]

> A brain and a pair of jumpleads walk into a bar. The jumpleads
> sit down and the brain goes over to the bar.
>
> 'Two pints of lager and pint of best bitter please' said the brain.
>
> 'I'm not serving you' said the barman.
>
> 'Why ever not' replied the brain, aghast.
>
> 'Because you're out of your head and they look like they're
> going to start something'.

[BrilloPad]

> There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters
> that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted
> island.
>
> There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl.
>
> They lived there For a couple of years doing what as natural
> for men and women. after several years of casual sex all the
> time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing.
> She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed
> herself.
>
> It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it
> and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.
>
> Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to
> feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.
>
> So................
>
>
> They buried her.

[BrilloPad]

Subject: New Virus's To Watch For


BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:

CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.


VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.


LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone
about what it did.


RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.


MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.


OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly
expands to 200 MB.


DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.


ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.


TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the LEWINSKY Virus)
Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").


DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy :}.


PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.


JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.


ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.


LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it
through Windows.

[BrilloPad]

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the
question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative
to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

[BrilloPad]

Amanpreet was having marital problems. So he went to his therapist.

The shrink says "when you get home, throw down your briefcase, run to her,
embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours, and make made passionate
love to her."

In two weeks Preet was back in the shrink's office. The shrink asked "How
did it go?"

Preet said, "She didn't have anything to say, but her bridge club got a
kick out of it."

[BrilloPad]

For the uninitiated Pinoy = male Filipino

SPIELBERG AND A PINOY

A Pinoy went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he
sat next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg who was
already ahead by a quart of alcohol. After a couple of beers, the Pinoy
sensed that Spielberg was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the
Pinoy crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the
director.
Picking himself up, he yelled, "Wat da hell is dat por?"Spielberg ranted:

"That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #@@!!##!
My dad perished in that bombing!"

#@@!!##! I am not Jafanese, you stufid Nincomfoof! I am Pilifino!"
exclaimed the Pinoy.

The inebriated director replied, "Yeah yeah yeah...
Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Filipino ...you're all the same!"

Regaining his composure, the Pinoy dusted off his white pants,
straightened the collar of his loud bird-of-paradise printed shirt, took
his seat and ordered a double R&B from the bartender. After a few sips,
the Pinoy stood up and delivered his best Jackie Chan karate kick,
sending the director flying halfway across the room.

"What was that for?!!" shouted the surprised Spielberg from about fifteen feet
away.

"Dat's por da sinking of da TITANIC! I had my grandpader on dat shif!"
the Pinoy answered back.

"You ignorant Chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg!" exclaimed the
director.

"Yah yah yah...Iceberg, Sfielberg, Carlsberg... you are all the same . .

[BrilloPad]

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered
over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to,
he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up,"and I've
just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's
inside your cat."