Please put more jokes here - Page 131

BrilloPad · 21st February 2008, 20:22

Idiomatic Ups and Downs

We sit down to dinner and sit up to the table, drinking up our wine by
drinking it down. The soup may be thinned down if it has been thickened up
by boiling down after being boiled up, and the coffee ground down by
grinding it up. After the meal we can rest up by lying down on a bed which
has been made up and turned down.

Possibly we go up to University on a down train and spend our time writing
up notes by writing them down. If we are not sent down we might be sent up
by being turned down after turning up for an interview.

It is prudent to save up so that we can make down payments and avoid
running up bills and running down our bank balance. Our house might be
burnt down and our belongings burnt up or we might be knocked up by being
knocked down, so it is down to us to put up our insurance premium.
Likewise we might trip up tripping down stairs or rub up the dog the wrong
way by rubbing him down, although if we can't put up with him we can
always put him down.

At the office we seal up envelopes by sealing them down, and tie down
packages by tying them up. If up in arms or down in the mouth we can
always give up and down tools and shut up shop by shutting down. Before
closing up we can have a closing-down sale. After all it is always
possible to put up for parliament after putting down a deposit - you never
know you might be in the running for a seat on a standing committee.

BrilloPad · 21st February 2008, 20:24

London Slang (OPINIONS EXPRESSED ARE NOT MINE)

beer scooter - the ability to get home after a night out on
the booze and not remember it. i.e. "I don't even remember getting home
last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".

one in the departure lounge - the need to defecate imminently.

aeroplane blond - one who has dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'!

aeroplane skirt - a skirt with a very long slit up it that goes all the way
up to the 'cockpit'.

Pearl Harbour - cold (weather). This is one I have heard from
a fair few people recently. An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl
Harbour out there !". Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air !

badly packed kebab - a vulgar (but still excellent) term for the 'vag1na'.

Britney Spears - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'beers'. e.g. "Give us a couple of
Britney's will ya Doreen".

Bruce Lee's - erect nipples (as in a pair of hard 'nips'. This ignores the
fact that Bruce Lee was Chinese).

Bum Gravy - This one speaks for itself ! You may get this after a dodgy curry.

bunny boiler - an unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit
boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction" e.g. "I don't like the look of
her mate, could be a bunny boiler".

council gritter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'tulipter'. e.g. "Does she take it
up the council ?".

Donald Trump - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'dump' (defecate).
e.g. "I'm just nipping out for a Donald".

drink-link - a modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM).
Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze!

furry monkey - slang term for vagina. As used by Daisy Donovan on Channel
4's Eleven O'Clock Show.

greyhound - a very short skirt. From the fact that a greyhound on a
racetrack) is close to the hare (hair). i.e. "Blimey look at
the greyhound on that bird!".

Jackson Pollock(s) - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'bollocks' (testicles). e.g."He
needs a good kick in the Jackson's".

Johnny-no-stars - a young man of substandard intelligence,
i.e. the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The
no-stars' bit comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food
restaurants often wear which show their level of training.

Leo Sayer - an 'all-dayer' (drinking or a rave etc).

mumblers - used when you spot an attractive girl in tight
shorts or similar clothes i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't
quite make out what they're saying.

Nelson Mandela - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the Belgian lager).

Pat Cash - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'slash' (to urinate).

pictures of the queen - paper money, notes. e.g. "How do you want payin ?",
"Pictures of the queen mate !".

ragmans coat - untidy and very hairy vag1na. e.g. "Yeah, she looks quite fit
but I bet she's got one like a ragmans coat !"

release a chocolate hostage - to defecate. e.g. " I'm just nipping out to
release a chocolate hostage".

ricockulous - a more extreme version of the word 'ridiculous'.
Good for when you want to add more emphasis.

salad dodger - an excellent phrase for an overweight person.

skin chimney - excellent (but disgusting of course) term for vagina.

spam fritter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'tulipter' (anus). Similar to "Gary
Glitter".

Steve McQueen's - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'jeans'.

swamp donkey - an unattractive woman. e.g. "Blimey, have you seen those swamp
donkeys sitting in the corner!".

tart fuel - similar to 'b1tch p1ss', bottled alcopop's regularly drunk by
young women.

tea towel holder - the anus. Derived from the fact that those round plastic
holders that you push tea towels into resemble the anus.

tropical fish - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'piss', pron. 'pish'
(in a Scottish way ?). An example of an abbreviated way of using it would
be to say "I'm off for a tropie".

Turkish bath - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'laugh'. e.g. "You're 'avin a Turkish
mate!".

up on blocks - having a period (menstruating). i.e. Out of action, a bit like
a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the
missus is up on blocks".

Wallace and Gromit - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

wizard's sleeve - a large (cavernous) vagina. May be a creation of the 'Viz'
comic.

Wyatt Earp - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'burp'.

Wynona Ryder - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. "Can I
have a pint'a Wynona and half a Nelson".

BrilloPad · 21st February 2008, 20:29

Did you ever wish you could remember Norm's greetings on "Cheers"?

SAM: "What's shaking Norm?"
NORM: "All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

SAM: "What's new Normie?"
NORM: "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach
and they're demanding beer."

SAM: "What'd you like Normie?"
NORM: "A reason to live. Give me another beer."

SAM: "What'll you have Normie?"
NORM: "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take
a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
SAM: "Looks like beer, Norm."
NORM: "Call me Mister Lucky."

SAM: "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
NORM: "Like a baby treats a diaper."

WOODY: "What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
Let's cut to the happy ending."

WOODY: "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
NORM: "I know. If she calls, I'm not here."

SAM: "Beer, Norm?"
NORM: "Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

SAM: "Whatcha up to Norm?"
NORM: "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

WOODY: "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "Poor."
WOODY: "I'm sorry to hear that."
NORM: "No, I mean pour."

SAM: "How's life treating you Norm?"
NORM: "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

SAM: "What's going down, Normie?"
NORM: "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

WOODY: "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "Alright, but stop me at one. Make that one-thirty."

WOODY: "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing
Milk Bone underwear."

SAM: "What's the story, Norm?"
NORM: "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer.
Boy meets another beer."

WOODY: "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson?
A beer please, Woody."

WOODY: "Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "A little early isn't it, Woody?"
WOODY: "For a beer?"
NORM: "No, for stupid questions."

BrilloPad · 21st February 2008, 20:33

WOMENS' ENGLISH

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should
be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're
going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

oracleslave · 22nd February 2008, 12:20

A thirty-something woman meets a rather handsome and charming man in the bar of a highly-regarded restaurant.

They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They go back to his apartment, and as he shows her around she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

Three wall-length shelves loaded with hundreds and hundreds of the little buggers ... carefully
placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing this very un-macho display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf; medium sized bears covering the entire length
of the middle shelf; and large-sized bears all the way all along the top shelf. Quite the display!

She found it strange for a man (who was clearly straight) to have such a large a collection of teddy
bears, but doesn't mention it out loud, being really quite impressed by his obvious sensitive side.

All the while thinking to herself, "Oh goodness! Maybe this guy could be the one - maybe he could
father my children!"

She turns to him. They kiss slowly... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot, steamy love. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this wonderful, sensitive guy - lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over towards him smiling sweetly.
She strokes his chest and asks coyly,

"So? How was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

FiveTimes · 22nd February 2008, 13:12

Just been to see my German friends new baby today.
She asked me if I wanted to wind it.
Thought it was a bit harsh so I just gave it a dead leg!!!

BrilloPad · 22nd February 2008, 23:14

New shampoo - its target market being eco-warriors:
Go & Wash

BrilloPad · 23rd February 2008, 17:16

A woman went to the doctor asking for bigger breasts. The doctor gave her
the choice of either having an implant or wearing a special bra. The
doctor explained, "When you flap your arms up and down, the bra inflates."

Of course, the woman chose the bra.

The next day she went to a bar to try the new bra out. She saw an
attractive man sitting at the bar. Flapping her arms, she strolled over to
flirt with the man and he started flapping his legs.

"I see we have the same doctor," said the man.

BrilloPad · 23rd February 2008, 18:03

> THE FEMALE STRESS DIET!
>
> This is a specially formulated diet designed to help woman cope with
> the
> stress that builds up during the day.
>
> BREAKFAST:
> 1x Grapefruit
> 1x Slice whole wheat toast
> 1x cup skim milk
>
> LUNCH:
> Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
> 1x cup herbal tea
> 1x chocolate Hob Nob
>
> AFTERNOON TEA:
> The rest of the biscuits in the packet
> 1x tub of Hagen Daas Ice Cream with Choc-chip topping
> 1x Family pack Jaffa Cakes
>
> DINNER:
> 4x bottles of wine (red or white)
> 2x loaves Garlic bread
> 1x Family size Supreme Pizza
> 3 Snickers Bars
>
> LATE NIGHT SNACK:
> Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the Freezer)
>
> DIET RULES:
>
> 1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.
> 2. When drinking a diet coke with a chocolate bar, the diet
> Coke cancels out the sugar in the chocolate bar.
> 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you
> do not eat more than they do.
> 4. Food used for medical purposes does not count (eg. hot
> chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka).
> 5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.
> 6. Cinema related foods have a zero calorie count as they are
> part of the entertainment package and not counted as food
> intake. This includes popcorn, Maltezers and cokes.
> 7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits
> up causes calorie leakage.
> 8. Foods licked from spoons and forks have no fat if you are in
> the process of cooking something.
> 9. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity
> and the density of the calorie mass.
> 10. Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it
> rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her
> plate.
>
> And remember: STRESSED SPELT BACKWARDS IS 'DESSERTS'.

BrilloPad · 23rd February 2008, 18:04

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home
> having a smoke when it
> started to rain.
> One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the
> end, put it over her
> cigarette, and continued smoking.
>
>
> Lady 1: 'What's that?'
> Lady 2: 'A condom.'
> Lady 1: 'Where'd you get it?'
> Lady 2: 'You can get them at any drugstore.'
>
>
> The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local
> drugstore and
> announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package
> of condoms.
> The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is,
> after all, in her 80s), but
> politely
> asks what brand she prefers.
>
> 'Doesn't matter,' she replies, as long as it fits a
> Camel.