Please put more jokes here

[BA to the Stars]

Sorry the capitals guys & gals - it's how it was mailed to me. (It's funnier than my jokes which may well make you think I can see why he is a contractor and not a comedian)!

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW"

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;

"FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

THE WIFE ASKS,
"WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

"FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

FINE, SHE SAYS,

"THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?" THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."

"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS", HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! "

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
"HONEY", HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID,
"WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MANASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID,
"SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"

SHE REPLIED,
"HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

[Ardesco]

Shift + F3 is your freind

[BA to the Stars]

Cheers Ardesco - thanks for the info

[ElectricChair]

There was this fellow who worked in a post office whose job it was to
process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to
his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy,
better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read,


"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which
was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter,
and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I
have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my
only hope. Can you please help me?"


The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all
the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars,
which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the
day,all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had
done.


Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the
old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was
opened.
It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for
me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful
gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was probably those
thieving bastards at the post office."

[macro]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your coffin, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”

Bill said: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

John commented: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”

Don said: “I’d like them to say, “Look, he’s moving!”

[Colemanisor]

2 NewlyWeds turn up at a Hotel and ask for the Honeymoon Suite..Receptionist asks "Do you have any Reservations"....Bride says "Yeah im not sure about taking it up the @rse"......

[zeitghost]

Two Welshmen were in rural Western China at a railway station.

They had spent most of their money, but had worked out that they had just enough money for two rail tickets home. This would only hold good if they booked a ticket from that station directly home. The trouble was, neither of them could speak a word of Chinese.

'What if the booking clerk can't speak English?' said the first.

'What else can we do?' said the second.

After arguing for some minutes, they decided to join the queue for tickets. It was a long queue, and they had to wait for over an hour behind people with birdcages, pigs, and goodness knows what else.

At last they were at the front of the queue. Despairingly, one of them said to the incrutable booking clerk:

'Two special tickets to Cwmtwrch, please.'

'Upper or Lower?' asked the booking clerk.

[zeitghost]

The variation on the above is that Dai and Islwyn want to go to Katmandu.

So they go along to the station in Upper Cwmtwrch and ask the booking clerk for two tickets to Katmandu.

Sorry says the clerk, can't sell you those, you'll have to go to Swansea...

So they go to Swansea... Cardiff... London... etc. etc. etc.

Finally they get to Katmandu, have a look round & decide they want to go home.

So they go to the railway booking office & ask the clerk for two tickets to Cwmtwrch... to which he replies "Upper or Lower"....


It's the way I tell 'em...

[TheFaQQer]

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, have been left a farm when their father dies. In order to keep the herd of cattle growing, they decide that they need to buy a bull to service the cows, and so get calves.

They are short of cash, and need a real prize winner, so the brunette takes their last £1000 to the nearest prize bull breeder, and tells her sister that she will send a telegram to let her know that she should come and pick them up.

When she gets to the farm, she haggles for the best prize winning bull that the farmer has available - and manages to get it for £999. Pleased with her purchase, she goes into town to send the telegram.

She walks into the post office, and explains to the man behind the counter that she needs to send a telegram to her sister to say that she has bought a top class, prize winning bull, and she should come and pick her and the animal up. The man behind the counter explains that that's no problem - it will be £1 a word though.

After thinking for a while, she decides to send a telegram to her sister that says

"Comfortable."

"How will your sister know what to do with that short message?" the man asks her.

"Well," she replies, "she reads slowly!"

[Burdock]

Zeity, I don't get your Cwmtwrch jokes!!

Or is that the point?!