Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A man walked out into the street in New York, and managed to
flag down a taxi just driving by.

He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, " Perfect timing.
You're just like Dave."

The passenger said, "Who?"

The cabbie said, "Dave Bronson. Now there's a guy who did
everything right. Like my coming along just when you needed
a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

The rider said, "Well, nobody's perfect."

The cabbie said, "Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He
could have gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played
tennis with the best pros. He sang like an opera baritone,
and danced like a Broadway star. He had a memory like a trap.
Could remember everybody's birthday. He could fix anything,
not like me. If I change even a fuse, I black out the whole
neighborhood."

The rider said, "No wonder you remember him."

The cabbie said, "Well, no I never actually met Dave."

The rider asked, "Then how do you know so much about him?"

The cabbie exclaimed, " I married his widow!"

[BrilloPad]

This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week.

One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask
them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them
the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a
holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: G'day its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now
is it O.K. for us to call your wife?
Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other
line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions
we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two
to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for
Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ...Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway...
just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .....alright .....Up the arse!
RADIO SILENCE
ADVERTISEMENT
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here,
and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the
holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

[BrilloPad]

> Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's
> a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.
> In-class Assignment for Wednesday
>
> "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
>
> The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting
> to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first
> paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and
> then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a
> third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has
> been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to
> be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on
> the paper.
>
> The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
>
> The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
> Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
>
> At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
> chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
> reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
> liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
> off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
> him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of
> the question.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
> in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
> neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
> spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
>
> "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic
> communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..."
> But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere
> and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct
> hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
> last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
> had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
> hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
> Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper
> one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her.She stared
> out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed
> unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to
> distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things
> around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she
> pondered wistfully.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.Thousands of
> miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
> lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
> Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a
> defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
> destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty
> the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower
> to pulverize the entire planet.With no one to stop them, they swiftly
> initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
> atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
> headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
> inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and
> 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
> conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!
> Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
> writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
> writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile
> tea? Or shall I have some other sort of frolicking TEA??? Oh no I'm such a
> air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon novels."
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Asshole.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Bitch.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> winker.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Slut.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Get fliped.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Eat sh*t.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> flip YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Go drink some tea - whore..
>

[BrilloPad]

Off at college, the student has gone through all of his allowance.

He calls his Dad. "Dad, you're not going to believe what they can do
here. They're got a program that'll teach Fido how to *talk*. All you've
got to do is send Fido along with $1000!"

Dad's pretty excited by this, so the next day he ships Fido and a grand in
cash to his son at the University.

About 2/3 of the way thru the semester, he's out of money again. So, once
again, he gets Dad on the phone.

"How's Fido doing?" Dad asks

"He's doing GREAT. Talking up a storm! But you won't believe this --
Fido's had such great results, they've instituted a program just for him
to learn how to READ."

"Amazing! What do I need to do?"

"Just send $2500 and I'll make sure Fido gets in the class."

Once again, within a couple of days, the student had money to spend.

Sure enough, though, the end of the semester comes. The boy is facing the
time when he has to go home and, naturally, Fido can't speak or read a
single word. He just shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his dad asks, "So, where's Fido? I can't wait to hear
him talk to and listen to him read something!"

"Well, Dad, there's a problem. I have some bad news. This morning, when
I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room, kicked back in the
recliner, reading the paper as he does now. He turned to me and said,
'Hey, your daddy still messing around with that cute little redhead over
on Oak Street?'"

The father says, "Oh, tulip. I hope you SHOT that lying son of a bitch!"

"I sure did, Dad."

"That's my boy!"

[BrilloPad]

/* Source Code to Windows 2000 */
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "win98.h"
#include "workst~1.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#include "monopoly.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();

totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();

search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();

make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();

disable_Netscape();
disable_RealPlayer();
disable_Lotus_Products();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();

if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}

/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");

if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt)
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}

[BrilloPad]

How Yodelling was Invented

Many many years ago, a man was travelings through
Switzerland at night and had nowhere to sleep. He
asked a farmer if he could spend the night in the barn
and the farmer agreed

The farmer's daughter asked the farmer, "Who was that man
going into the barn?"

"Some fellow needed a place to stay," answered the farmer.
"so I said that he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter asked "Did you offer the man anything to eat?"

The farmer hadn't, so the daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take
him some food."

The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to
the house, her clothes all dishevelled and buttoned up wrong,
with several strands of straw tangled up in her long blonde hair.
She immediately went to her bedroom to sleep.

A little later the farmer's wife came down and asked the farmer
why their daughter went to bed so early.

"I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could
sleep in the barn and she took him some food."

"Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?"

The farmer hadn't, so the wife said, "I'm going to take
something out there for him to drink."

The wife was in the barn for over an hour before returning to
the house with her clothes messed up and straw twisted into
her blonde hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and
continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the
farm.

A few hours later, the daughter woke up and went right to the
barn, only to find it empty. "Where's the man from the barn?"
she eagerly asked the farmer.

Her father answered, "He left several hours ago."

"What?" she cried. "He left without saying good bye?
After all we had together? I mean, last night he made
such passionate love to me!"

"What?" shouted the father. "He took advantage of you?"
And the farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the
man but by now the man was halfway up the side of the
mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you!
You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside,
cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled out,

"I laid the old laDEE, too!"

[BrilloPad]

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he
was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly
interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson."

The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men
in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might
prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a
calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one
another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance
was heard from the room that night.

The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more
than pleasantly surprised when he was told "Doctor, I've been suffering
from a delusion. I know now that I am not Lord Nelson."

"That's wonderful," said the doctor.

"Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I'm Lady Nelson."

[BrilloPad]

Slogans for women's T-shirts :

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.

2. God made us sisters; Prozac makes us friends.

3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all.....I just can't
remember it all.

5. My Mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.

7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.

8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

12. I'm out of estrogen........ and I have a gun.

13. Guys have feelings too. But...who cares?

14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

15. I hate everybody...and you're next.

16. And your point is...?

17. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

18. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

19. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

20. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

21. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

22. All stressed out and no one to choke.

23. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

24. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

25. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

26. If we are what we eat....... I'm fast, cheap and easy.

27. Don't upset me ! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!

[BrilloPad]

This news is almost as good as Red Wine lowering cholesterol.
This is not a joke. It came from the New England Journal of Medicine:

Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for
a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have
discovered. According to the New England Journal of Medicine,"Just 10
minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly
equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out," declared gerontologist
Dr. Karen Weatherby.

Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt,
Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health
of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty
females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.

The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower
blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of
coronary artery disease. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and
improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Weatherby.
"There is no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier."
"Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily
cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by
doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to
five years."

[BrilloPad]

Two Rednecks were having the blue plate special at their favorite diner,
when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a
lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a 'possum
burger too fast.

The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' help?"

"I reckon," said the second hillbilly.

The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin
yew breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Kin yew talk?" he asked.

She again shook her head no.

With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her
on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and
began to breathe, with great relief.

The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that
there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."