Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long, baby

Nice legs...what time do they open?

You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

Are those real?

I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for
that thing you do with your tongue.

If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

(Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself,
baby...

You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

flip me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

My name is Austin... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we
could
do it in public.

Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?

Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.

Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???

[Chantho]

Originally Posted by BrilloPad

Difference between men and woman....
7 things that make a woman happy:

Being less than 10 pounds over weight
Hearing "I love you"
Fitting into last years swimsuit
Eating out
Surprise presents
Getting high marks on a Cosmo test

7 things that make a man happy:

Not having to shave
Not needing bigger underwear
Flattery (of any sort)
Shopping (for car/bike spares)
Pizza delivery
Fixing something that doesn't immediately fall apart again
Having £50.00 "Mad money" in his wallet

What is the mystery 7th thing for women? Is it "not having to do anything mathematical / vaguely technical"?

[Chantho]

[ Crappuccino:
The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get when abroad.
]

Just curious as to how you got crappucino to post unmoderated.....

[BrilloPad]

(Truth for a change)

On last nights Irish Who Wants to be a Millionaire we had our first £0
winner. He incorrectly chose "Jenny" as the female of the rabbit. It
didn't help that he "asked the audience" and the majority went with Jenny
too. He left with his "phone a friend" and "50/50" lifelines unused.

In the following fast finger round, 3 contestants failed to work out the
order of the months March, April, June and October.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Almost as bad was the two contestants last night on the UK version who
couldn't rearrange the following into a Harrison Ford movie a) INDIANA b)
JONES c) DOOM d) TEMPLE

[BrilloPad]

Originally Posted by Chantho

What is the mystery 7th thing for women? Is it "not having to do anything mathematical / vaguely technical"?

I just checked - I was only emailed 6!

[BrilloPad]

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the
custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her
feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the child
into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also
wanted custody of his children.
The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of
silence, the man rose from his chair and replied "Judge, when I put a
dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi
belong to me or to the machine?"

[BrilloPad]

The madam opened the brothel door to see a frail,
elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies,
perhaps someone else."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old
man that she charges
$1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached
into his pocket and
handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room
for an hour, whereupon
the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding to see
Natalie. Natalie explained
that no one had ever come back two nights in a row
and that there were no
discounts. It was still $1,000 a visit.

Again the old man took out the money, the two went
up to the room and an hour
later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no
one could believe it.
Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room
they went.

At the end of their hour Natalie questioned the old
man: "No one has ever
used my services three nights in a row. Where are
you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives
there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died,
and your sister gave me
$3,000 to give to you

[BrilloPad]

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her
hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman
approached her and said:

"Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that
your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the
gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir,
anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat
yesterday!"

[BrilloPad]

Good King Wenceslas phoned Pizza Hut with his order.

"Is that the usual?", the man asked.

"Yes, deep pan, crisp and even"

[BrilloPad]

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after
exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings, a man picks it
up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a
beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the
2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman
and he gave me a really good price and since we need to exchange
the BMW that we bought last year."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account
and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the
house we had looked at last year -- it's on sale! Remember? The one
with a pool English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property?"
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000. A magnificent price and I see that we have that much
in the bank to cover it!"
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye, I love you, too!"

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while
holding the phone and asks to all those present. "Does anyone know who
this phone belongs to?"