Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE.

AGE - DRINK.


17 - beer
25 - vodka
35 - bourbon
48 - double bourbon
66 - Maalox


AGE SEDUCTION LINE.


17 - My parents are away for the weekend.
25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend
35 - My fiance is away for the weekend.
48 - My wife is away for the weekend.
66 - My second wife is dead.

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE.


17 - tongue.
25 - breakfast.
35 - She didn't set back my therapy.
48 - I didn't have to meet her kids.
66 - Got home alive.

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY.

17 - getting to third.
25 - airplane s*x.
35 - menage a trios.
48 - taking the company public.
66 - firm bowel movement.

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 - 25
25 - 35
35 - 48
48 - 66
66 - 17


AGE IDEAL DATE.


17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in.
25 Split the check before we go back to my place.
35 Just come over.
48 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
66 Just come over and cook.


THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE.


AGE DRINK.

17 - Wine Coolers
25 - White wine
35 - Red wine
48 - Dom Perignon
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser



AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES.
17 - Need to wash my hair.
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair.
35 - Need to colour my hair.
48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair.
66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig.


AGE FAVOURITE SPORT.


17 - shopping.
25 - shopping.
35 - shopping.
48 - shopping.
66 - shopping.



AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE.

17 - Burger King.
25 - Free meal.
35 - A diamond.
48 - A bigger diamond.
66 - Home Alone.


AGE FAVOURITE FANTASY.


17 - tall, dark and handsome.
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money.
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain.
48 - a man with hair.
66 - a man.

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66


AGE IDEAL DATE.


17 - He offers to pay.
25 - He pays.
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning.
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids.
66 - He can chew breakfast.

[BrilloPad]

A is for apple, and B is for boat,

That used to be right, but now it won't float!

Age before beauty is what we once said,

But let's be a bit more realistic instead.


A's for arthritis;

B's the bad back,

C's the chest pains , p erhaps car-d-iac?


D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure-I'd rather it low;

I is for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

k is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, Just give me a pill and
I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;

V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

*A Thingos Presentation (c) Whimsical & Wacky

W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?

X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,

Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,

And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

[BrilloPad]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering
the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma
of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the
railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the
door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's
agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for
there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left
this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the
edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife
with a wooden spoon ......

F**k off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

[BrilloPad]

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar.

At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching
his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some
insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all
these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands,

"Well, I've a-tried to treat her nice, spend the money on her, but
best is that I took her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded,

"Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!

Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary ."

Luigi proudly replied,

"I'm a-gonna go and get her."

[BrilloPad]

New findings in Jerusalem.

A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a
slab of rock with five figures carved on it.
In order the figures were:
1) A Woman
2) A Donkey
3) A Shovel
4) A Fish
5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took
the rock and went on a lecture tour.
He said the carvings were several thousands of years old, but even so
they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that
women were held in very high esteem.
It was most likely a family oriented culture.

2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals.
They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to
Make tools.

4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised
By also reaping from the sea.

5. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious
Group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.

When acknowledged, he said...

"I'm sorry to blow your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right.
In Hebrew we read from right to left.
That way it reads.........

'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman!'"



A Cut Here, A Cut There...

Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other.
The first kid leaned over and asked,
"What are you in here for?"

The second kid said,
"I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid said,
"You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once.
They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of
Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a piece of cake!"

The second kid then asked,

"What are you in here for?"

The first kid responded,

"Well, I'm here for a circumcision."

The second kid said,
"Whoa! I had that done when I was born.
I couldn't walk for a year!"

[BrilloPad]

An atom walks down the road and meets another atom who looks fed up. He asks
him, "What's up mate"? The atom replies, "I lost all my electrons". He asks
him, "Are you sure". The atom replies, "I'm f**king positive".

[BrilloPad]

It's Saturday morning. Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when
he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the
washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse
and phones home. "Hello" Says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's
Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in
the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you
haven't got an Uncle Frank, Honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the
bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the
phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and
Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did
what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed
with no clothes on and ran around screaming; then she tripped over the rug
and fell down the front steps and she's just lying there. I think she's
dead." "Oh my God! And what about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with
no clothes on, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into
the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all
the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and is just
lying there, not moving. He may be dead, too." There is a long pause, then
Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

[BrilloPad]

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about
their sons.

"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman.

"So we obviously decided to call him George."

"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot.

"My son was born on St.Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him
Andrew."

"That's incredible, what a coincidence!" said the Irishman.

"Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."

[BrilloPad]

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when
his
telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in
County
Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring
war
on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how
big
is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is
myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes
team from the pub -- that makes eight!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have a million men in my army
waiting to move on my command."

"Begorrah!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is
still
on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from
the
farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have sixteen thousand
tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has
increased
to two million men since we last spoke."

"Really?" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry
to
tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had a chat,
and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

[BrilloPad]

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered
grave
news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to
be
a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single
flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to
compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice,
and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"