Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

When Stalin completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a special
postage stamp issued, with his picture on it.

He so instructed the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of
international quality.

The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that
the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious.

He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the
matter.

The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported
on the problem to Stalin.

He said:"Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is,
our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"

[BrilloPad]

Who are all these depleted ukrainians ?

[BrilloPad]

A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood
agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young
man's slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of
his fine young specimen.
"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an
actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of."
"Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir." said
the handsome young man.
"I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours." said the
agent.
"Sir?"
"Your name, Penus Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in
Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change your
name."
"Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van Lesbian name was my
father's, my grandfather's and his father's name. We have carried this
name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other
reason."
"If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you young man."
"Then I bid you farewell-my name will not change."
With that, Penus Van Lesbian left the agents office never to return.

Five Years Later...

The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some
producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk mail, trade journals
and the like.
There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter.
As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds
and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000 dollars!
He read the letter:


Dear Sir,

Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an
actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected,
saying the Penus Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and left
your office. However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness
and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advise and
endeavored to change my name.

Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide.
Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back
to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name.

I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my
humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me to such
wealth and fame.



Very Sincerely Yours,













Dick Van Dyke

[BrilloPad]

Q: What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a
kitchen in France?
A: Linoleum blownapart.

Q: A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs, what was
it called?
A: Dogless Fairbanks.

Q: Which famous golfer loves to drink wine?
A: Litre Vino.

Q: What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a
Roman barber?
A: One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.

Q: Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that
collided?
A: Both crews were marooned.

Q: Why did the maharishi refuse novocaine when he had his
tooth pulled?
A: He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Q: Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who
opened a fast-food seafood restaurant?
A: One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

[BrilloPad]

A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin
disease. The doctor says, "Try a milk bath". So the guy goes
to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs
enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guys ask "You want
that pasteurized?" "Nah", the man replies "Up to my chin
should do it."

[BrilloPad]

TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE ANSWER.

It took the Division of Motor Vehicles 6 months to figure out and revoke
this lady's personalised license plate:


3M TA3


Can you tell why?
Scroll down to see answer below.

































It's "EAT ME" in everyone's rear view mirror!!

[BrilloPad]

Keith comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch
in
front of the television, and tells his wife, *Get me a beer before it
starts.-

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, *Get me another beer before it starts.-

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, *Quick, get me
another
beer, it"s going to start any minute.-

The wife is furious. She yells at him *Is that all you"re going to do
tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You"re nothing but a
lazy,
drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . .-

Keith sighs and says, *It"s started . . *

[BrilloPad]

A PRIEST decides to take a walk to the pier near his church.

He looks around and finally stops to watch a FISHERMAN load his boat.
The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join
him
for a couple of hours.

The priest agrees.
The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the
priest says, "No."

So he baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot Father"
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get
it
to the boat.
FISHERMAN
Whoa, what a big Sonofabitch!

PRIEST
Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?

FISHERMAN
(Thinking quickly)
I'm sorry Father, but that's what this fish is called -- a
sonofabitch!

PRIEST
Oh, I'm sorry-I didn't know
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the
BISHOP.

PRIEST
Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!

BISHOP
Please Father, mind your language This is a house of God.

PRIEST
No, you don't understand! That's what this fish is called and I caught
it.
I caught this sonofabitch!

BISHOP
Hmmm... You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it
for
dinner
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it and takes it to the MOTHER
SUPERIOR at the convent.

BISHOP
Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?

MOTHER SUPERIOR
My lord, what language!"

BISHOP
No, Sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father
caught
it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it

MOTHER SUPERIOR
Hmmm Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight.
Well, the Pope decided to stop by that night and they invited him to
dinner.
They all thought the fish was great. He asked them where they got it.

PRIEST
I caught the sonofabitch!
BISHOP
I cleaned the sonofabitch!
MOTHER SUPERIOR
And I cooked the sonofabitch!
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then
takes
off his hat, puts his feet up on the table and says:


POPE
You know, you Motherf****rs are alright!

[BrilloPad]

VIZ NEW ENGLISH SLANG DICTIONARY, 2001

Abra-Kebabra:
A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes down
the
performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly reappears
on
the taxi floor.

Aussie Kiss:
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Back End of the Batmobile:
The state of your Brass Eye soon after you eat a really hot curry.
"I had a Ring Stinger in the Benghazi restaurant last night, and now
I've
got a dose of Gandhi's Revenge. My arse feels like the back end of the
Batmobile."

Beaver Leaver:
or Vagina Decliner. A homosexual.

Beer Coat:
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
at
3 in the morning.

Beer Compass:
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze
cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how
you
get there, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC:
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

Boiler Suit:
The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus
aforethought, score with a Bobfoc last night. This charge is usually
brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday
night.

Bone of Contention:
A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man is
watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

Breaking the Seal:
Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

Budgie's Tongue:
or Small Man In A Boat, or Tongue Punchbag. The female erection.

BVH:
Blue-Veined Hooligan. The 1-eyed skinhead.

Cider Visor:
Beer Goggles for the young drinker.

Cliterature:
1-handed reading material.

Cock-A-Doodle-Poo:
The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in
the
morning to get to the toilet quick.

Crappuccino:
The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get when abroad.

Double Bass:
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and
then
fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue
with
the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double
bass
instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

Etch-A-Sketch:
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her
nipples
simultaneously.

Fizzy Gravy:
or Rusty Water. Diarrhoea.

Flogging On:
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

Free the Tadpoles:
Liberate the residents of wink Tanks.

Frigmarole:
Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

****tulip****tulip****tulip:
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a
speed.

Going For a Mctulip:
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're
just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your
declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a Mctulip
With
Lies.

Greyhound:
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

Hand-to-Gland Combat:
A vigorous masturbation session.

Hefty Cleft:
or Horse's Collar, or Welly Top. Description of a very large vagina.

McSplurry:
The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in
fast
food restaurants.
Millennium Domes:
The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when viewed
from
the outside, but there's actually ****-all in there worth seeing.

Monkey Bath:
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa!
Aa! Aa!".

Mystery Bus:
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet
after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the
pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

Mystery Taxi:
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up,
whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed
instead.

NBR:
No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub.
The
opposite of a 10-Pinter.

Picasso Arse:
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4
buttocks.

Sperm Wail:
or Spuphemism. A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

Starfish Trooper:
or Arsetronaut. A homosexual.

10-Pinter:
Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.

2-Bagger:
Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover
their
head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)

Titanic:
A lady who goes down first time out.

Todger Dodger:
A lesbian.

wink Seance:
During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being
watched
with disgust by your dead relatives.

X-Piles:
Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

[BrilloPad]

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while
driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and
the other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they
wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've
purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you
cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.

9.True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get
tired.

13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees
with me.

14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still
ends up with the same boss.

17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom
gets to speak.


18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it
for you.
19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk
because they have to say something.


20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address
books..