Please put more jokes here

[Pondlife]

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic"
& Bill Clinton's "My Life"


One student turned in the following book report, With the proposition
that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :.... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bulltulip artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :. Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[Diver]

AN OLD COUPLE AT THE DOCTORS

An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.
The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband"
The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."
The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."
The old woman said "Damn it, he's p1ssing in the fridge again!"

[Diver]

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Where am I?" The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane." The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.

"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."

[sandre]

how do you make a woman cry twice in one evening?
f**** real hard in the ar**
and wipe you d*ck in her curtains

[richard-af]

Originally Posted by sandre

how do you make a woman cry twice in one evening?
f**** real hard in the ar**
and wipe you d*ck in her curtains

Thank you, Cultural Secretary.

[Colemanisor]

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left.

The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores five goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool .

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello Mum, guess what?' he says in an Iraqi accent.'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored five and we won.

Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his Mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.

Your father got shot in the street and robbed,

your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters,

and all while you were having such great time.'

The young lad is very upset,

'What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry.'

'Sorry? Sorry?' says his Mum, 'It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!

[Colemanisor]

A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.

[richard-af]

Husband watching the Lottery on a Saturday night.

All 6 numbers come up!

£18 MILLION!!!

He shouts to his wife, who's upstairs, on the bog, "I've won! I've won! Pack your bags, love, I've won!"

The wife replies, "Oh my God! How much?"

"£18 million. Pack those bags, love."

His wife shouts, "Where are we going? Hawaii? World cruise?"

The husband replies, "Just pack your bags and flip off!"

[richard-af]

"Fight fire with fire!" was my uncle Dave's motto. Which is why they sacked him from the Fire Brigade.

[Swiss Tony]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she tulips on you!"