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The time a few years ago when India and Pakistan threatened to wipe each other off the map
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I thought that would have rung a few alarm bells as well, but evidently not.
Shareholder's Meeting, with Sir Roger (Chairman) presenting.
Chair : Thank you all for attending this AGM for our shareholders. Right, has everyone got a glass of Cristal ? Yes ? Good. Excellent. On to business then.
Our results last year, only indicate a 900% increase in gross profits, bringing our tax liability to a rather dangerous £43.52 for the whole Group. We have not sat idle on our titanium-plated laurels however, and Charles Penning-Thorpe Bondage, our FD has come up with a jolly good wheeze to save us some money. Over to you Charles.
Charles : Thank you, Sir Roger Gravel-Belfry Masochist. Now, I have done countless projections using Excel, and I am convinced that we can offset the £43.52 loss by moving our entire manufacturing facility from Wales to India.
This will be quite easy to achieve, and I project that in the first year alone, we will neutralise the £43.52 loss and increase our bottom line by another 139%. This will put our yearly total Gross Profit in to a more healthy 934 Trillion Pounds.
Concerned Shareholder : But surely, moving our production facility to India would be disastrous, since their immediate neighbour Pakistan, is hostile to India, and the two countries have been on the brink of war many times ?
Chair : If I may Charles ? Thank you. Yes, we have performed a full and thorough risk assessment of this intended shift in manufacturing facilities, and we are convinced that the benefits far outweigh the risk.
Concerned Shareholder : But the 2 countries hate each other. There are terrorist activities going on nearly everyday in India, and the finger of blame points at Pakistan. Is this really a wise move ?
Chair : It seems somewhat hysterical to imagine that Freedom Fighters from the P.R.A.D.A or whatever they are called are going to specifically target the Doggiebix Canine Food Group with 300 lbs of high explosives.
Concerned Shareholder : But they hate the West and everything we stand for !
Chair : Which is why we will be employing local people in our factories.
Concerned Shareholder : But what happens when you or any of the Board need to visit the facility ? You’ll stand out like a sore thumb !
Chair : Jemima Whiplashing-Discipline, our Senior HR Director, has advised we each take a tin of boot polish to camo up like the natives.
Concerned Shareholder : OMG
Chair : Yes, he’s on our side in this one. We are steered by the hand of the Almighty in all that we do.
Concerned Shareholder : You’re all mad !
Chair : I prefer the term “misunderstood business visionaries”. Right. Well, apart from one slight voice of dissent, it seems we are all agreed then ? The new factory will be up and running within 6 months….
7 months later…in a Starbucks in London.
Chair : Well, we gave it our best shot, didn’t we ?
Charles : Yes, indeed we did Sir Roger.
Chair : Still, it’s a shame about the factory. It was a nice and pretty shiny factory too.
Charles : Yes, yes it was Sir Roger.
Chair : You know, if you asked me, I’d say that the 18-wheeler packed with rabid man-eating monkeys crashing through the security gate and straight in to the middle of the factory wasn’t exactly an accident.
Charles : Quite right, Sir Roger. Still, it’s not something we picked up on our Risk Analysis report is it ?
Chair : No Charles. But one thing still bothers me.
Charles : Oh Sir Roger ?
Chair : You know the ridiculously expensive insurance quotations we waded through when we set up the facility ?
Charles : Why yes, I do believe I do, Sir Roger.
Chair : And that you managed to save the company thousands of pounds, by sourcing a policy that pretty much excluded every normal disaster and also act of terrorism ?
Charles : Yes, Sir Roger.
Chair : How on earth did the policy include such a random payout clause as an 18-wheeler packed with rabid man-eating monkeys crashing through the security gate and straight in to the middle of the factory ?
Charles : Just sheer dumb luck I guess, Sir Roger.
Chair : Oh well. Good man. I seem to recall the payout was something like 3 and a half times our projected Gross Profit wasn’t it ?
Charles : Something like that, yes Sir.
Chair : Well, that’s a jolly good stroke of luck isn’t it ? Have you contacted the Insurers ? I forget their name.
Charles : I think it was something like Penning-Thorpe Bondage Insurance Company, Sir.
Chair : Really ? How amazing is that ? I went to public school with a Penning-Thorpe Bondage you know. Lad called Ray. I read about him in Time magazine. Apparently the Senior Underwriter for a firm of insurers in the City you know ?
Charles : Really, Sir Roger ?
Chair : Oh yes. Remarkable isn’t it. What’s the chance of him having the same surname as you eh, Charles ?
Charles : Oooh, millions to one, Sir Roger. About as much chance as an 18-wheeler packed with rabid man-eating monkeys crashing through a security gate and straight in to the middle of a factory, I would estimate, Sir Roger.
Chair : Just so, just so.
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