[daviejones]

I¹M HUNGRY

"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."

"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."

"So hungry I'd eat a tulip sandwich, only I don't like bread."

"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."

"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."

I'M THIRSTY

"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."

"I'm drier than a nun¹s nasty."

"I'm dry as a **** with no foreplay."

"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."

"I'm as dry as a bull¹s bum going up a hill backwards."

"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."

I NEED TO DO A POO

"I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi."

"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."

"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."

"Off to the bog to leave an offering."

"Time to snap off a grogan."

"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."

"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."

"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."

"I'm going to give birth to your twin."

"Need to choke a brown dog."

"I've freed Nelson Mandela."

"Going for a Rodney."

"Taking out the garbage."

"I gotta back one out."

"Release the Chocolate hostage."

"i gotta lay some cables for Telstra."

VOMIT

"Calling for George.²

"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."

"I left him a lawn pizza."

"Toss a tiger on the carpet."

YES

"Does a fat dog fart?"

"Even Blind Freddy could see it."

"Is the Pope a Catholic?"

"Does a Koala tulip in a gum tree and wipe his ass on a Cockatoo?"

"Does the Pope tuck his shirt in with a wooden spoon?"

"Bloody oath!"

"No wucking furries."

NO

"Pig's arse!!"

"Get ****ed!"

INSULTS

"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and tulip on your shoulders."

"Not enough brains to give 'imself a headache!"

"About as useful as tits on a bull."

"You must be the world's only living brain donor."

"He's a few winks short of an orgasm."

"She¹s had more ****** than a second hand dartboard."

"He had a head on him like a sucked mango."

"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."

"He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock."

"So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!"

"Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery."

"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"

"As ugly as a bucket full of arseholes."

"If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards."

"Got a face like a bashed in tulip can."

"Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground."

"Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."

"Couldn't organise a **** in a brothel with a fist full of fifties."

"About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition."

"I'll kick your bum till your nose bleeds!"

"A stubbie short of a six pack."

"Seen better heads in a piss trough."

"You're as handy as tulip on a stick."

"Tighter than a fish's arse."

"So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."

"Face like a smashed crab."

"As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."

"He could talk a dog off a meatwagon."

"****ed in the head."

"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."

"He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."

"Mate, she¹s as rough as a pig¹s breakfast."

"Your face is like a twisted Ugg boot."

"He's got a face like a cat licking tulip off a thistle."

"She's been hit with the fugley stick too many times."

"She's two pick handles wide."

"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."

"As ugly as a bag of spanners."

"You've got a head like a dropped pie."

"He thinks his tulip don' stink, but his farts give him away."

"I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."

"Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down."

"If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it."

"Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deckchairs."

"As thick as two short planks!"

"You got a head like a busted watermelon."

COMPLIMENTS

"Ya bloods worth bottling!"

"He's True Blue."

"I'd be up her like a rat up a drain pipe."

"A better man never stood in two shoes!"

ASSORTED

"Drilling for Vegemite." (Anal sex)

"I'll have a super." (I'll have a beer)

"Make mine an unleaded." (I'll have a light beer)

"Going off like a frog in a sock." (try to picture this one)